I told my sister she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She look surprised.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A woolly jumper
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctors? A: He wasn't peeling very well
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
What's brown and sticky?
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates!
What did the Spanish fire chief call his twin sons? JoseA and JoseB!
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
Q: What do you call a Fish with no eye?
Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Juan!
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A Drummer
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
My friend is addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he can stop at any time.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.
Why are there no painkillers in the jungle???
Because the parrots-eat-em-all (paracetamol)!!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog!
What cheese is made backwards? Edam!
I got clipped on my bike by a truck carrying Omega 3 pills yesterday. I'm okay though - just super-fish-oil injuries
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea (no eye-deer)!
How do you tell when a plane load of pommies have landed at Sydney airport? When the captain shuts down the engines there is still a whining sound!
One snowman says to the other snowman, "you're right - I can smell carrots too!"
I went on a date with a girl with a stutter.
The waiter asked what she would like to order.
She said, " n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n"
At that point, I decided to help her out and shouted "BATMAN!"
Q: What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel with a Poodle and a Rooster? A: Cock-a-Poodle-Doo!
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb
A Brazilian !
Q: What is Copper Nitrate?
A: Overtime pay for police officers
Whats round and violent? A vicious circle
What's the name of the Scottish dentist? Phil McAvity
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
What kind of ties do pigs wear? A Pig-sty
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a painkilling injection while having root canal surgery???
He wanted to Transcend – Dental – Medication!!
I recently met a Dutch girl, a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes…..
So I rang her up to see if she wanted to go out on a date…..
Unfortunately she’d popped her clogs!
Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head? A: Dug
A man received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, the man put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. The man was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man'sextended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." The man was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,"May I ask what the chicken did?"
What does DNA stand for? The National Association of Dyslexics
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Why did the painter sell his paintings? Because he had no Monet (money)!
What's yellow and very, very dangerous? Shark Infested custard
A lady went to the vets with her pet duck, she put it on the table and said to the vet 'help cuddles please he's not well' the vet looked at the duck and said 'I'm sorry but your duck is dead'. The woman was distraught and said 'he can't be get me a second opinion'. 'But cuddles is dead' said the vet, 'I need a second opinion' said the woman. The vet went out and a few minutes later a dog came in, it sniffed the duck and signalled that the duck was dead, even more distressed the woman said to the vet 'I need another opinion'. The vet went out again and returned with a cat. The cat looked over the duck and signalled that it was dead. The vet said to the woman I am sorry but your duck is dead and here is your bill. The woman took the bill and exclaimed '£500 just to tell me my duck was dead that's robbery', the vet replied 'it would have been £25 but you insisted on the lab report and the cat scan
What do you call a man who has been buried for 10,000 years? Pete
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Q: What do you call a man in a bush A: Russle
A man threw some milk over me yesterday.. How dare he! (dai-ry)
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
Schrödinger's cat walk into a bar...
...and he doesn't.
Q: What is a baby bee? Q: A little humbug
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”
Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head? A: Brenda
Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? A: Lily
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight
Did you hear about the German, vegetarian pessimist? He feared the wurst...
A blind man goes into a supermarket, picks his dog up, and swings it around his head. A passer by exclaims "What are you doing"????? The blind man says: Just looking around...
You look at a field of cows. How can you tell which one is on holiday? The one with the wee calf.
Q: How do you make holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it
Have you heard the joke about the boomerang? It'll come back to you..
Where do you find flying pigs? At the airpork!!!
What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonkey. And where does it live? An un-stable
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea!
Why do you see bags of white sugar everywhere, but hardly any brown? A: because demerera.... (dem-are-rarer)
What do you call a one eyed dinosaur? Doyathinkysaurus
What do you call a one eyed dinosaur's dog? Doyathinkysaurus-rex
What do you call a man who wears a coat? Mac
What do you call a woman with 1 leg? Eileen
What do you call a Chinese lady with 1 leg? Irene!
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel prize? Apparently he was outstanding in his field
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
What do you call a man with no legs? Neil
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
grasshopper walks into a bar
bartender says "we have a drink named after you."
grasshopper says "really? you have a drink named Murray?"
Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.
I never wanted to believe that Dad was stealing on the job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
What was the name of the russian pepsi delivery man? I-drop-a-lot-of-popoff
Why did the tomato lose the race? It couldn't ketchup
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, they are efficient and not very funny
Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers
I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
3 Logicians walk into a bar. The barman asks the first one - do you all want a drink. He says I don't know. Same for second. The third says Yes Please!
Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
How do you get a bear out of a tree with cheese... just say Camabear (come on bear)
Q:Why do bees hum? A: Because they don't know the words!
If you put a million monkeys on a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesawus
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
I recently started play the triangle in a reggae band.... I just stand at the back and ting!
Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they are going to pay. You have my Word!
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
CDO.... OCD in the correct order
What did the scarf say to the hat? I'll hang around here, you go on ahead
What do prisoners use to call each other?
What kind of Bee can't be understood? A mumble Bee!
Why do anarchists drink herbal tea? Because proper-tea is theft
Q: What is the difference between a married man and a bachelor? A: One kissed the missus and the other misses the kisses
Did you know 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy?
The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.
There are 2 Rules for success. Rule#1 Never reveal everything you know.
There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog? Doyouthinkhesawus-rex
Farting in a lift is wrong... on so many levels!
We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. It runs in our jeans.
What do you call an Italian with a prosthetic toe?
What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Natcho cheese
What do you call a Dinosaur with sore bum? Megasoreass
Why did the Bee get married? Because he found his honey!
The lady said she recognised me from the vegetable club... but I'd never seen her before (her-be-vore)
I'm stealing all my wife's cutlery...
it's worth the whisk