Rating Date
^^^ 1187 10-Jan 9:49:29
^^^ 1162 I told my sister she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She look surprised. 21-Nov 10:23:23
^^^ 1051 What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A woolly jumper 17-Feb 7:19:34
^^^ 1044 Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize 21-Sep 14:23:02
^^^ 1041 Q: Why did the banana go to the doctors? A: He wasn't peeling very well 16-May 5:57:47
^^^ 1035 Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. 6-Feb 9:51:25
^^^ 978 What's brown and sticky? A stick 17-May 5:39:18
^^^ 971 What has 8 legs and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates! 9-Feb 5:54:23
^^^ 949 Dyslexic man walks into a bra 26-Sep 19:43:37
^^^ 948 What did the Spanish fire chief call his twin sons? JoseA and JoseB! 13-Sep 7:56:11
^^^ 938 Q: What do you call a Fish with no eye? A: Fsh 9-Jan 18:05:04
^^^ 923 Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Juan! 19-May 9:21:52
^^^ 912 What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. 15-Jun 7:31:48
^^^ 908 What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A Drummer 15-Jun 7:29:56
^^^ 907 "You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle" 27-Jun 8:25:05
^^^ 895 My friend is addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he can stop at any time. 9-Jan 18:08:04
^^^ 881 I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there. 27-Jun 8:24:25
^^^ 833 Why are there no painkillers in the jungle??? Because the parrots-eat-em-all (paracetamol)!! 21-Sep 13:37:24
^^^ 830 Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog! 19-May 5:47:36
^^^ 829 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick 13-May 5:47:51
^^^ 827 What cheese is made backwards? Edam! 11-Sep 6:13:46
^^^ 817 I got clipped on my bike by a truck carrying Omega 3 pills yesterday. I'm okay though - just super-fish-oil injuries 26-Mar 11:02:19
^^^ 812 What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea (no eye-deer)! 19-May 5:44:14
^^^ 799 How do you tell when a plane load of pommies have landed at Sydney airport? When the captain shuts down the engines there is still a whining sound! 22-May 19:26:37
^^^ 795 Q: What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel with a Poodle and a Rooster? A: Cock-a-Poodle-Doo! 15-Jan 21:59:56
^^^ 792 I went on a date with a girl with a stutter. The waiter asked what she would like to order. She said, " n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n" At that point, I decided to help her out and shouted "BATMAN!" 9-Sep 14:41:41
^^^ 788 One snowman says to the other snowman, "you're right - I can smell carrots too!" 16-May 10:48:10
^^^ 785 16-Jan 21:29:47
^^^ 783 22-May 19:29:30
^^^ 776 How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb A Brazilian ! 16-May 9:49:31
^^^ 775 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant. 16-Jan 21:17:57
^^^ 769 5-Jun 9:08:22
^^^ 769 I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu. 26-Sep 19:43:05
^^^ 768 Q: What is Copper Nitrate? A: Overtime pay for police officers 13-Jan 21:03:33
^^^ 768 Whats round and violent? A vicious circle 13-Jan 21:11:58
^^^ 766 What's the name of the Scottish dentist? Phil McAvity 24-Jan 7:14:15
^^^ 755 There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did 6-Jun 5:54:48
^^^ 755 Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog. 28-Jan 21:50:30
^^^ 754 Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a painkilling injection while having root canal surgery??? He wanted to Transcend – Dental – Medication!! 16-May 10:02:05
^^^ 753 What kind of ties do pigs wear? A Pig-sty 13-Jan 21:09:16
^^^ 751 The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 6-Feb 9:50:55
^^^ 749 5-Jun 9:07:35
^^^ 748 Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head? A: Dug 9-Jan 18:05:47
^^^ 747 I recently met a Dutch girl, a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes….. So I rang her up to see if she wanted to go out on a date….. Unfortunately she’d popped her clogs! 16-May 10:02:22
^^^ 746 9-Jun 6:47:47
^^^ 746 What does DNA stand for? The National Association of Dyslexics 2-Jun 6:08:47
^^^ 746 A man received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, the man put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. The man was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man'sextended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." The man was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,"May I ask what the chicken did?" 16-May 5:57:13
^^^ 741 4-Jun 5:52:16
^^^ 736 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" 6-Feb 9:50:25
^^^ 730 What's yellow and very, very dangerous? Shark Infested custard 19-Feb 7:30:10
^^^ 726 Why did the painter sell his paintings? Because he had no Monet (money)! 19-May 5:45:34
^^^ 722 A lady went to the vets with her pet duck, she put it on the table and said to the vet 'help cuddles please he's not well' the vet looked at the duck and said 'I'm sorry but your duck is dead'. The woman was distraught and said 'he can't be get me a second opinion'. 'But cuddles is dead' said the vet, 'I need a second opinion' said the woman. The vet went out and a few minutes later a dog came in, it sniffed the duck and signalled that the duck was dead, even more distressed the woman said to the vet 'I need another opinion'. The vet went out again and returned with a cat. The cat looked over the duck and signalled that it was dead. The vet said to the woman I am sorry but your duck is dead and here is your bill. The woman took the bill and exclaimed '£500 just to tell me my duck was dead that's robbery', the vet replied 'it would have been £25 but you insisted on the lab report and the cat scan 5-Jun 9:20:55
^^^ 722 9-Sep 9:17:10
^^^ 715 A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.' 26-Sep 19:40:17
^^^ 712 What do you call a man who has been buried for 10,000 years? Pete 19-May 5:43:31
^^^ 710 1-Oct 20:30:34
^^^ 708 To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 6-Feb 9:49:40
^^^ 707 Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa 2-Jun 6:06:52
^^^ 706 A man threw some milk over me yesterday.. How dare he! (dai-ry) 9-Dec 10:52:37
^^^ 702 Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 16-Jan 21:18:39
^^^ 701 A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.” 1-Oct 20:16:28
^^^ 701 A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge” 6-Oct 6:20:38
^^^ 700 Q: What do you call a man in a bush A: Russle 9-Jan 18:06:34
^^^ 696 Q: What is a baby bee? Q: A little humbug 15-Jan 21:55:08
^^^ 695 Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head? A: Brenda 16-May 6:01:31
^^^ 695 Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? A: Lily 9-Jan 18:07:03
^^^ 695 Schrödinger's cat walk into a bar... ...and he doesn't. 16-May 10:43:37
^^^ 695 Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight 3-Jun 6:27:17
^^^ 695 Did you hear about the German, vegetarian pessimist? He feared the wurst... 23-Jul 9:20:40
^^^ 693 15-Jan 15:35:23
^^^ 692 You look at a field of cows. How can you tell which one is on holiday? The one with the wee calf. 2-Oct 20:31:57
^^^ 691 15-Jan 21:53:24
^^^ 690 A blind man goes into a supermarket, picks his dog up, and swings it around his head. A passer by exclaims "What are you doing"????? The blind man says: Just looking around... 2-Feb 8:32:38
^^^ 686 Q: How do you make holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it 13-Jan 0:00:00
^^^ 684 Where do you find flying pigs? At the airpork!!! 7-Aug 19:14:56
^^^ 683 Have you heard the joke about the boomerang? It'll come back to you.. 25-Jan 15:18:35
^^^ 682 I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs." "That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?" "I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase." 19-May 5:10:02
^^^ 681 What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea! 19-May 5:44:35
^^^ 680 What do you call a one eyed dinosaur? Doyathinkysaurus 16-May 5:57:31
^^^ 679 What do you call a one eyed dinosaur's dog? Doyathinkysaurus-rex 22-Jan 0:00:00
^^^ 679 What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonkey. And where does it live? An un-stable 28-Jan 0:00:00
^^^ 679 Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel prize? Apparently he was outstanding in his field 29-Sep 17:44:10
^^^ 677 Why do you see bags of white sugar everywhere, but hardly any brown? A: because demerera.... (dem-are-rarer) 20-Feb 12:01:47
^^^ 676 What do you call a man who wears a coat? Mac 15-Jan 22:08:54
^^^ 674 9-Jan 18:09:53
^^^ 673 What do you call a woman with 1 leg? Eileen What do you call a Chinese lady with 1 leg? Irene! 16-May 9:30:34
^^^ 673 A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.” 1-Oct 20:15:30
^^^ 673 Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react. 1-Oct 20:17:26
^^^ 671 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any 16-Jan 21:15:12
^^^ 671 What do you call a man with no legs? Neil 15-Jan 22:08:05
^^^ 670 Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." 16-Jan 21:19:31
^^^ 670 Dyslexics of the world, untie! 2-Jun 6:09:40
^^^ 669 A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 16-Jan 21:16:53
^^^ 664 grasshopper walks into a bar bartender says "we have a drink named after you." grasshopper says "really? you have a drink named Murray?" 16-Jan 21:21:07
^^^ 664 What was the name of the russian pepsi delivery man? I-drop-a-lot-of-popoff 15-Jan 22:09:26
^^^ 664 Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism. 31-Dec 6:48:52
^^^ 660 Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers 6-Oct 6:19:54
^^^ 660 I never wanted to believe that Dad was stealing on the job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there. 30-Dec 6:44:14
^^^ 659 Why did the tomato lose the race? It couldn't ketchup 20-Apr 9:09:22
^^^ 658 Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell. 6-Oct 6:20:14
^^^ 657 How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, they are efficient and not very funny 31-Dec 6:45:42
^^^ 656 3 Logicians walk into a bar. The barman asks the first one - do you all want a drink. He says I don't know. Same for second. The third says Yes Please! 30-Dec 6:45:16
^^^ 654 How do you get a bear out of a tree with cheese... just say Camabear (come on bear) 30-Dec 6:44:36
^^^ 654 I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down. 6-Oct 6:19:26
^^^ 653 If you put a million monkeys on a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs. 7-Jan 12:24:18
^^^ 653 Q:Why do bees hum? A: Because they don't know the words! 15-Jan 21:54:23
^^^ 651 What kind of Bee can't be understood? A mumble Bee! 7-Apr 14:22:15
^^^ 650 What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesawus 30-Dec 6:48:52
^^^ 648 What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philip Flop 19-May 5:40:51
^^^ 645 A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!" 31-Dec 6:48:15
^^^ 644 I recently started play the triangle in a reggae band.... I just stand at the back and ting! 9-Sep 9:14:55
^^^ 643 CDO.... OCD in the correct order 30-Dec 6:45:44
^^^ 643 What did the scarf say to the hat? I'll hang around here, you go on ahead 30-Dec 6:43:55
^^^ 643 What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones 13-Jan 21:09:52
^^^ 640 Why do anarchists drink herbal tea? Because proper-tea is theft 31-Jan 18:19:01
^^^ 639 Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they are going to pay. You have my Word! 31-Dec 6:46:22
^^^ 638 16-Jan 21:27:54
^^^ 637 There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet. 7-Jan 12:24:32
^^^ 635 I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it. 7-Jan 12:24:09
^^^ 635 There are 2 Rules for success. Rule#1 Never reveal everything you know. 30-Dec 6:43:38
^^^ 635 The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar. 1-Oct 20:18:31
^^^ 635 Q: What is the difference between a married man and a bachelor? A: One kissed the missus and the other misses the kisses 15-Jan 22:05:32
^^^ 634 What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog? Doyouthinkhesawus-rex 30-Dec 6:47:44
^^^ 631 Did you know 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy? 30-Dec 6:46:06
^^^ 630 We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. It runs in our jeans. 31-Dec 6:47:02
^^^ 629 What do you call a Dinosaur with sore bum? Megasoreass 30-Dec 6:48:41
^^^ 629 Farting in a lift is wrong... on so many levels! 2-Jul 16:02:33
^^^ 627 What do you call an Italian with a prosthetic toe? Roberto. (Rubber-toe) 19-May 5:40:28
^^^ 627 What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted 15-Jun 7:27:39
^^^ 625 What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Natcho cheese 26-Jan 16:34:32
^^^ 559 Why did the Bee get married? Because he found his honey! 7-Apr 14:22:26
^^^ 321 The lady said she recognised me from the vegetable club... but I'd never seen her before (her-be-vore) 29-Jan 9:36:11
^^^ 302 I'm stealing all my wife's cutlery... it's worth the whisk 22-Jan 10:48:28